so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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