I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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