I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
