he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
