i think my mom watched the whole time
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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