You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
