the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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