dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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