We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
