I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
