I hate your face
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
