I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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