Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
