So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
