You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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