I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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