My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
