i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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