The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
