The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
