Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
