Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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