Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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