Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
