Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Randomize
