i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
