I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Is it penis luge time yet?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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