TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
