we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
