How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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