She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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