For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
