Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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