Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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