You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She bit a glass in half.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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