my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
