I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
