yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
