Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
