I like my sex mixed with concussions.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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