I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Randomize
