I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
