my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Send help, water and tortillas.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
