You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize