I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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