forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
