I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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