I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
