her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
