There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I love you. Go after that dick
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
