it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
