Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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