You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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