im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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