I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
