So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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