I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize