I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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