Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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