i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
